Life is Tragic

My People,

Yes, it is I! And I post again! I know that I have stopped, and have done so without warning! Fear not and dry thine own eyes, however! I am alive and well! Simply stuck in the middle of an unexpected move! I’m going to a smaller place (The economy being what it is, and such).

As you might imagine, with the packing and the arranging and getting utilities turned on after having found a new place, dealing with people who often are not easy to deal with - I am left with little time for putting up posts on this blog. However! I shall be back soon! I just need to get back on my feet again, and my internet should be getting turned on at the new place here in a few weeks! Do not weep for me, fellows!

An Apology Gift! Some quick photoshoppery. Mmm. I can’t stop looking either.

Anyway. I hope you’re all having an awesome New Year, and getting as blasted as I am. Sorry for not being around so much, but the future holds for you a veritable cornucopia of blog posts from me!

After weeks of preparations for the largest sex event of its kind in Israel, organizers were forced to cancel it this week due to public pressure and threats exerted on the owner of the venue where the sex fest was to take place.

Forget about Viagra: scientists are working on an electronic ’sex chip’ that will be able to stimulate pleasure centres in the brain. The prospect of the chip is emerging from progress in deep brain stimulation, in which tiny shocks from implanted electrodes are given to the brain. It has already been used to treat symptoms of Parkinson’s disease. In recent months, scientists have been focusing on an area of the brain just behind the eyes known as the orbitofrontal cortex. This is associated with feelings of pleasure derived from eating and sex.

A research survey conducted by Morten Kringelbach, senior fellow at Oxford University’s department of psychiatry, and reported in the Nature Reviews Neuroscience journal, found the orbitofrontal cortex could be a “new stimulation target” to help people suffering from anhedonia, an inability to experience pleasure from such activities.  Stimulating this area can produce pleasure as intense as “devouring a delicious pastry”, he said. His colleague Tipu Aziz, a professor of neurosurgery at the John Radcliffe hospital in Oxford, predicted a significant breakthrough in the science behind a “sex chip” within 10 years.

“There is evidence that this chip will work,” Dr Aziz said.

“A few years ago, a scientist implanted such a device into the brain of a woman with a low sex drive and turned her into a very sexually active woman. She didn’t like the sudden change, so the wiring in her head was removed.” The wiring remains a hurdle: Dr Aziz says current technology, which requires surgery to connect a wire from a heart pacemaker into the brain, causes bleeding in some patients and is “intrusive and crude”. By 2015, he predicts, micro-computers in the brain with a range of applications could be self-powered and controlled by hand-held transmitters.

 Blogger’s Comment: “Sex Chips have been featured in more than a few science fiction stories over the years. I often wonder at the parallels between science fiction and modern invention. Remember when the rail gun was just a futuristic weapon on a page full of text? This is what happens now that all of the nerds of the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s are becoming adults, with the education and means to create. Mmm. I look forward to it.”

 Burger King Corp. may have come up with just the thing. The home of the Whopper has launched a new men’s body spray called “Flame.” The company describes the spray as “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat.“

The fragrance is on sale at New York City retailer Ricky’s NYC in stores and online for a limited time for $3.99.

Burger King is marketing the product through a Web site featuring a photo of its King character reclining fireside and naked but for an animal fur strategically placed to not offend.

Did I put this here just to make you hungry? You bet your ass.

The marketing ploy is the latest in a string of viral ad campaigns by the company. Burger King is also in the midst of its Whopper Virgins campaign that features an taste test with fast-food “virgins” pitting the Whopper against McDonald’s Corp.’s Big Mac.

Burger King Holdings Inc. shares rose 15 cents to close at $20.53.

Blogger’s Comment: “I-… W-… Ho–… Wha–.. all I can do is sigh. Not only because Burger King is making cologne now (Because as you know, I am an avid BK advertisement supporter!), but.. well.  This is the best that the internet could offer me at three in the morning? Sure, I could have put up some more police brutality (There’s lots of it!), but they don’t need me to help them make a joke of themselves. At least, any further. They do a damn fine job of it. On a lesser note, I’m going to need a bigger back seat with all of the fat chicks I’ll be baggin’ with this stuff. Hoo-wee.”

A Prince George’s County police lieutenant charged four times this year with driving under the influence passed out behind the wheel of a running police cruiser in one incident, had to be tasered and pepper-sprayed in another and was at fault in a hit-and-run in a third, Laurel Police said yesterday.

In February, an officer found Lt. Kenneth W. Parrish, 44, asleep in the cruiser, its emergency lights on, in front of Laurel High School shortly after noon on a school day, a spokesman for the Laurel police said. Parrish’s cruiser was in the road, running and in drive, his foot resting on the brake pedal and his body slumped over the steering wheel, spokesman Jimmy Collins said.

Parrish, a 20-year veteran who was off-duty at the time, was charged and released to the county police. He was suspended that day.

“It doesn’t appear that he’s going to be reinstated, obviously,” said Maj. Andy Ellis, a county police spokesman.

Blogger’s Comment: “Mmm. It’s good to know that the police are watching our backs! It’s a short post today, I’m aware, but life calls! And when a bitch calls her pimp, he must attend to ‘dat ho’.

It was a little before 8 at night when the breaker went out at Emily Milburn’s home in Galveston. She was busy preparing her children for school the next day, so she asked her 12-year-old daughter, Dymond, to pop outside and turn the switch back on. As Dymond headed toward the breaker, a blue van drove up and three men jumped out rushing toward her. One of them grabbed her saying, “You’re a prostitute. You’re coming with us.” Dymond grabbed onto a tree and started screaming, “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.” One of the men covered her mouth. Two of the men beat her about the face and throat.

As it turned out, the three men were plain-clothed Galveston police officers who had been called to the area regarding three white prostitutes soliciting a white man and a black drug dealer. All this is according to a lawsuit filed in Galveston federal court by Milburn against the officers. The lawsuit alleges that the officers thought Dymond, an African-American, was a hooker due to the ‘tight shorts’ she was wearing, despite not fitting the racial description of any of the female suspects. The police went to the wrong house, two blocks away from the area of the reported illegal activity, Milburn’s attorney, Anthony Griffin, stated.

Bad enough, right? OH, BUT IT DOES GET SO MUCH BETTER!

After the incident, Dymond was hospitalized and suffered black eyes as well as throat and ear drum injuries. Three weeks later, according to the lawsuit, police went to Dymond’s school, where she was an honor student, and arrested her for assaulting a public servant. Griffin says the allegations stem from when Dymond fought back against the three men who were trying to take her from her home. The case went to trial, but the judge declared it a mistrial on the first day, says Griffin. The new trial is set for February. “I think we’ll be okay.” says Griffin. “I don’t think a jury will find a 12-year-old girl guilty who’s just sitting outside her house. Any 12-year-old attacked by three men and told that she’s a prostitute is going to scream and yell for Daddy and hit back and do whatever she can. She’s scared to death.“

Since the incident more than two years ago, Dymond regularly suffers nightmares in which police officers are raping and beating her and cutting off her fingers, according to the lawsuit. Griffin says he expects to enter mediation with the officers in early 2009 to resolve the lawsuit.

Update: This is from the officers’ lawyer, William Helfand:

Both the daughter and the father were arrested for assaulting a peace officer. “The father basically attacked police officers as they were trying to take the daughter into custody after she ran off.” Also, “The city has investigated the matter and found that the conduct of the police officers was appropriate under the circumstances.” Helfand says. “It’s unfortunate that sometimes police officers have to use force against people who are using force against them. And the evidence will show that both these folks violated the law and forcefully resisted arrest.“

Blogger’s Comment: “I like to think that I have seen, if not all of the worst stuff that the internet has to offer, then at least a vast majority of it. This story did not manage to surprise me, as I’ve long been a loud voice in the cry out against brutal law enforcement - and stupid people, both of which are spots that these cops fill. It did, however, make me cringe. A lot. Poor girl. There’s not even anything snarky that I can say about this. Wow.”

New research done at Harvard Medical School has shattered to belief that Coca-Cola works as an after sex spermicide. School researcher Deborah Anderson has gone on record as saying that there is no evidence to support the belief that the drink’s acidity kills sperm. Anderson also said that sperm is likely, anyhow, to outswim the sugary douche and get to the cervix first.

She also noted that the soft drink also damages the top layer of cells within the vagina, removing healthy bacteria and making a woman more prone to STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases). The drink is still used as a contraceptive in some poor countries, and was used in this same manner in the United States during the 1950s and 1960s.

Blogger’s Comment: “THIS JUST IN - At the same time that Harvard Medical School was debunking the theory of Cola Cola as a sperm killer,  it was also revealed that spermicide works just fine as a sperm killer. Tune in next week, when we here at Life is Tragic compile a list of ten recommendations on how to continue getting away with pouring Coca Cola between your girlfriend and/or wife’s thighs.”

To preface this picture, let me explain. This blog is primarily about ridiculous news, but now and then I stumble across a picture that is so absolutely weird or stupid, and that touches the depths of my soul so deeply that it brushes against the facets which weep for humanity, that I must share it. So, from here on out, occasionally you will see them. They will never replace my daily story, so see the post below this one for that!

 Ever seen someone do something so stupid that it was too easy to crack a joke about, so you just didn’t? That’s what Murphy’s Law thought about this, I assure you.

When this blog came into existence, I decided that it would hold the sole purpose of containing the world’s most ridiculous news. To that extent, each morning I scour the internet. I search. I pick through the refuse of dribble and dive into the proverbial dumpster of information to bring to you the most odd of oddities. Most of them are believable. I like to think that most of them are the truth. Maybe I am just a pessimist when it comes to just how stupid people can be. Or would that be an optimist? Alas - Not even I, with all of my infinite imagination, can bring myself to believe what I am going to post here. In fact, I found /two/ separate versions of the tale, one from London, and one from India. In lieu of this, I have decided to post them both:

LONDON  — A tiny fish found its way into a teenage boy’s body in Britain by traveling up the teen’s penis into his urethra, doctors say. Doctors G. Vezhaventhan and R. Jeyaraman, whose full first names were not reported, said the fish apparently entered the teen’s body while he was going to the bathroom, The Sun reported Thursday. The medical experts, who treated the boy for complaints of pain and urinary retention, said in a paper that the young man made the regrettable mistake of urinating while holding the tiny fish.

“While he was cleaning the fish tank in his house, he was holding a fish in his hand and went to the toilet for passing urine. When he was passing urine, the fish slipped from his hand and entered his urethra and then he developed all these symptoms.“, they wrote. The animal, thought to be part of the Betta genus, was removed using a medical device designed to remove bladder stones, the Sun said.

And so there you have the first one. Unbelievable, right? Here comes more!

A two centimeter long fish apparently found it’s way into the penis of a 14-year-old boy from India. This lead doctors to further investigate and write a case study on the findings.

Case Presentation:

“A 14 year old boy came to us with complaints of pain, difficulty in voiding with dribbling of urine and subsequently developed acute urinary retention of 24 hours duration. On further questioning he gave an interesting history. While he was cleaning the fish tank in his house, he was holding a fish in his hand and went to the toilet for passing urine. While he was passing urine, the fish slipped from his hand and entered his urethra and then he developed all these symptoms. . Plain X ray KUB was normal. Abdominal Ultrasonogram showed normal kidneys, bladder was full and a 1.5 Cm echogenic object found inside the bladder without any after shadow.”

Conclusion:

“Introduction of foreign bodies into the bladder may be through self-insertion, iatrogenic means or migration from adjacent organs. Extraction should be tailored according to the nature of the foreign body and should minimize bladder and urethral trauma. Complete extraction should also be confirmed by panendoscopy at the end of the extraction procedure. The possibility of an intravenous foreign body should be considered in any patient with chronic unexplained lower urinary tract symptoms.”

Blogger’s Comment: “What the fuck. Uh. It also might be worth mentioning that this is not ‘current’ news, but it was so astounding and completely obvious bullshit that I had to post it. It deserved an anniversary. A bullshit anniversary.”

The incredibly wise father of a toddler called Adolf Hitler Campbell believes it is unfair that a store denied him a birthday cake with his child’s name on it. New Jersey man Heath Campbell, 35, has decorated his home with swastikas, taking to a whole new level his claim that he is related to a member of the SS. Mr. Campbell says that the store that would not write ‘Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler’ on a cake, should be showing more consideration for other people’s feelings.

“They need to accept a name. A name is a name. The kid isn’t going to grow up and do what Hitler did.“, Mr. Campbell told Associated Press. But the ShopRite store that refused the cake request has said that it did the right thing.

Couldn’t they have given him a tiny magic marker mustache, before the photograph? The only thing I hate more than stupid parenting, is half-ass stupid parenting.

“We believe the request to inscribe a birthday wish to Adolf Hitler is inappropriate.” spokeswoman Karen Meleta told the Express-Times newspaper. The store has also refused to make a cake bearing the name of Mr. Campbell’s daughter, Joyce Lynn Aryan Nation Campbell, who turns two in February. Mr. Campbell and his wife Deborah also have another daughter, Honszlynn Himmler Jeannie Campbell, named for the SS head Heinrich Himmler, who turns one in April. He said he named his son after Adolf Hitler because he liked the name and because ‘no one else in the world would have that name’.

“They’re just names, you know. Yeah, they (Nazis) were bad people back then. But my kids are little. They’re not going to grow up like that. Other kids get their cake. I get a hard time. It’s not fair to my children..“, he told the Express-Times. He also said that he did not expect the names to cause problems when the kids started school.

Blogger’s Comment: “You might notice that I have placed this article under the category of ‘Drugs’. These are obviously the form of recreation that these two ‘parents’ were indulging in when they thought it might be a good idea to reproduce. And then again when they decided on the names for the children.”