Life is Tragic

After weeks of preparations for the largest sex event of its kind in Israel, organizers were forced to cancel it this week due to public pressure and threats exerted on the owner of the venue where the sex fest was to take place.

When this blog came into existence, I decided that it would hold the sole purpose of containing the world’s most ridiculous news. To that extent, each morning I scour the internet. I search. I pick through the refuse of dribble and dive into the proverbial dumpster of information to bring to you the most odd of oddities. Most of them are believable. I like to think that most of them are the truth. Maybe I am just a pessimist when it comes to just how stupid people can be. Or would that be an optimist? Alas - Not even I, with all of my infinite imagination, can bring myself to believe what I am going to post here. In fact, I found /two/ separate versions of the tale, one from London, and one from India. In lieu of this, I have decided to post them both:

LONDON  — A tiny fish found its way into a teenage boy’s body in Britain by traveling up the teen’s penis into his urethra, doctors say. Doctors G. Vezhaventhan and R. Jeyaraman, whose full first names were not reported, said the fish apparently entered the teen’s body while he was going to the bathroom, The Sun reported Thursday. The medical experts, who treated the boy for complaints of pain and urinary retention, said in a paper that the young man made the regrettable mistake of urinating while holding the tiny fish.

“While he was cleaning the fish tank in his house, he was holding a fish in his hand and went to the toilet for passing urine. When he was passing urine, the fish slipped from his hand and entered his urethra and then he developed all these symptoms.“, they wrote. The animal, thought to be part of the Betta genus, was removed using a medical device designed to remove bladder stones, the Sun said.

And so there you have the first one. Unbelievable, right? Here comes more!

A two centimeter long fish apparently found it’s way into the penis of a 14-year-old boy from India. This lead doctors to further investigate and write a case study on the findings.

Case Presentation:

“A 14 year old boy came to us with complaints of pain, difficulty in voiding with dribbling of urine and subsequently developed acute urinary retention of 24 hours duration. On further questioning he gave an interesting history. While he was cleaning the fish tank in his house, he was holding a fish in his hand and went to the toilet for passing urine. While he was passing urine, the fish slipped from his hand and entered his urethra and then he developed all these symptoms. . Plain X ray KUB was normal. Abdominal Ultrasonogram showed normal kidneys, bladder was full and a 1.5 Cm echogenic object found inside the bladder without any after shadow.”

Conclusion:

“Introduction of foreign bodies into the bladder may be through self-insertion, iatrogenic means or migration from adjacent organs. Extraction should be tailored according to the nature of the foreign body and should minimize bladder and urethral trauma. Complete extraction should also be confirmed by panendoscopy at the end of the extraction procedure. The possibility of an intravenous foreign body should be considered in any patient with chronic unexplained lower urinary tract symptoms.”

Blogger’s Comment: “What the fuck. Uh. It also might be worth mentioning that this is not ‘current’ news, but it was so astounding and completely obvious bullshit that I had to post it. It deserved an anniversary. A bullshit anniversary.”

Only one manner of criminal stalks the sleepy, 32-house village near Salzburg on the German border - cheeky British tourists armed with a sense of humor and a screwdriver. Tourists have left the residents of this charming village steaming mad by constantly stealing the signs for their oddly named home. But while they find it hilarious, the residents of Fucking, Austria are failing to see the funny side of the criminal act. The local authorities now, though, are hitting back with new signs that are set in concrete, and with police chief Kommandant Schmidtberger on the lookout.

“We will not stand for the Fucking signs to continue to be removed. It may be very amusing for the British, but Fucking is simply Fucking to us. No more and no less.”, one officer was quoted as saying.

Local tourist guide Andreas Behmueller said it was only the British that had fixation with Fucking.

“The Germans all want to see the Mozart house in Salzburg. Every American seems to only care about ‘The Sound of Music’, since it was shot around Salzburg. The occasional Japanese tourist will want to see Hitler’s birthplace, in Braunau. But for the British, it is all about Fucking.”, the tour guide also said.

“Bitte - nicht so schnell!” is German for “Please - not so fast!”

Guesthouse manager Augustina Lindelbauer described the village’s breathtaking lakes, forests, and vistas, yet also had this to say, “There is still an obsession with Fucking. Just this morning, I had to tell an English lady that there were no Fucking postcards.

I don’t know how severe the stolen sign problem there really is, but Austria is indeed home to a town called ‘Fucking’. (48′ 03″N 13′ 51″E). Pronounced ‘fooking’, the little hamlet of Fucking is named after the man who founded the village in the 6th century. His name? Focko.

Blogger’s Comment: “I think the sign with the children on it is the most humorous part of this entire article. Or so sayeth the weensy urine droplets on the front of my pantaloons. Ugh. I am so easily amused. I wish the internet would hurry and desensitize my love for bad humor as much as it has my love for tits.”

Uganda’s President thinks that Africans must work harder to develop ‘super weapons‘ so that their impoverished continent is no longer dominated by the developed world, a statement from his office has said. Speaking at the annual State House holiday party, Mr. Museveni further accused Africans of taking too many holidays, something he has said is fine for workers in wealthy nations, but was inhibiting development in Africa.

“We Africans are at the mercy of the developed world who have super weapons that could eliminate us from the face of the world in a whisker of time, but instead of working hard to reduce the technological gap, we are just sitting back.” Yoweri Museveni said in the statement received on Saturday.

“Mr. Museveni noted that nationals of the developed countries are in better positions to take leave off of their routine duties, but not Africans whose countries still need to overcome conditions of underdevelopment and poverty..“, the statement also said.

He specifically complained that Ugandans waste a lot of valuable time by going on unnecessary leave. The President, who has ruled the east African country since 1986, then handed out prizes to the hardest working members of his State House staff.

Blogger’s Comment: “NO. BAD PRESIDENT. NO. THIS IS NOT AN RTS (Real Time Strategy). NO. DO NOT MAKE ME SWAT YOU ON THE NOSE. WHICH I CAN DO. BECAUSE /WE/ HAVE SUPER WEAPO–…Oh..”.

A Romanian man has won a year-long fight to persuade the courts that he is not, in fact, dead. Gheroghe Stirbu, from Timisoara, tried to renew his identity card, but was told by the officials that he had been registered as dead. Bungling civil servants had mixed him up with another man, but although Stirbu pointed out what they had done, they refused to acknowledge their own mistake until Stirbu won a twelve month legal claim to be declared alive.

Judges renewed his status as alive - and then the court charged him 500 leu in costs for the extended legal battle. Mr. Stirbu had this to say:

“When the judge ruled in my favor, I was absolutely delighted - and then seconds later, I was absolutely shocked when I found out that I would have to pay so much in legal bills. I will, of course, appeal the imposition of the costs, but I am already beginning to wonder whether or not I would have been better off staying dead.“

No wonder they thought Gheroghe Stirbu was dead. LOOK AT THAT HAIR.

 Blogger’s Comment: “It’s the small things in life that sometimes make you lose complete faith in humanity. I actually need both hands in order to count on fingers just how many times I, like Gheroghe Stirbu, have wondered whether or not I would have been better off dead.  I’m not sure whether I should be comforted or terrified though, to know that it’s not just the US legal system that blows harder than a whitehouse intern.”

Bev Stewart was sick of putting up with the petty argument that spawned every year during Boxing Day. It was the same as last year, and the year before, and so on, and so on. It was the family squabble over the coveted spot which offers a clear view of the television screen and easy access to the priceless remote control. With an expected 25-strong ‘rabble’ descending upon her house for the holiday, she decided that enough was enough, and placed the seat on eBay.

The seat was advertised as ‘a very comfy and popular item’ open to all members of the family - and Bev herself even offered to throw in a free cushion for those with an aching back. After the auction that involved guests and family, Bev’s daughter-in-law Alexis Stewart and her 11-month-old son Mark will now be sitting pretty after trumping seventeen other bids with her winning offer of 13.50 pounds.

The enterprising elder had this to say: “There is always arguing over who gets the spot. It’s the perfect seat. It is straight in front of the television and has got the coffee table at the side for you to rest your drink on, and for the television remote, so everybody always wants to sit there. Last year, I had a heavily pregnant daughter and a daughter-in-law who both gave birth in January, so they got the seat most of the time. This year it was up for grabs, though.”

Blogger’s Comment: “Oh man. This woman needs to be my grandma like… right now. Hopefully, the next thing that she puts up for grab on eBay is her mad merchanting skills. I’d bid on that. More old people need to be like this. My grandma doesn’t even know what the internet is. Calls it ‘magic’, she does. Completely serious.”

Pop Star Madonna’s antics are lustful, a stain on humanity and offensive to God, a retired Roman Catholic Cardinal said on Wednesday during a mass for the late Chilean military dictator General Augusto Pinochet. Before anyone could figure out why in the Hell he was talking about Madonna during a mass for the deceased General, he was going on to say, “”Thoughts of lust, impure thoughts, impure acts, are an offense to God and a dirty stain on our heart.”, Cardinal Jorge Medina tolda the gathering. (Translation: “She gave me an erection. I don’t even know what to do with this thing anymore.”)

Madonna performed in Santiago on the Latin American leg of her Sticky and Sweet Tour to promote her album ‘Hard Candy’.

Depending on which news article you’re reading, Medina also went on to say either this:

“The atmosphere in our city is pretty agitated because this woman is visiting and with incredibly shameful behaviour that provokes a wild, shameful and lustful enthusiasm!”

-or-

“This woman comes here and, in an incredibly shameless manner, she provokes a crazy enthusiasm, an enthusiasm of lust, lustful thoughts, impure thoughts.”

No matter which was said, both were proof that the Cardinal is a big fan of repeating the same word again and again. We here at Life is Tragic are absolutely horrified that the Material Girl herself, or her roughly 60,000 ravening minion-esque fans were not phased at all by the accusations of one of the region’s most prominent religious leaders, that she was more or less corrupting the minds –and the loins– of the nation.

This isn’t the first time that ‘Her Madgesty’s‘ act has managed to draw down the ire of God’s irreproachable hounds, either. Some of the antics from her massively successful Blond Ambition tour in 1990 – including simulated masturbation on stage – angered Pope John Paul II so much that he publicly condemned the singer’s ‘unholy’ performance

Maybe I’m being picky, but with all of the face work she’s had done, wouldn’t you think she could clean up that nasty gap between her teeth?

 Blogger’s Comment: “This would have been up earlier, except that I discovered that my internet is a living, breathing entity with a mind and an opinion all it’s own. That said - Madonna. Ew. As I sit here and write this, my good online friend Michelle asks me, ‘Don’t you think the tooth gap observation is a little harsh? I sort of have one’ - To which I replied, ‘No. Because you’re not rich, and I don’t have to look at your face every day.’”

I’m not married. I have no real plans for marriage. However, as long as I have been with my girlfriend, we might as well be married. Sure, I have the occasional dream of, oh, making her strip naked and frolic through our non-existent garden while I take shots at her with an air gun. Of course, I don’t. Maybe I’m not ambitious. Maybe I have common sense. Most likely, and I am no scientist, I probably have something in my brain, a proverbial switch, that keeps me from doing insane things. Maybe I’m just level-headed! However, the next time that I get told that I am an overbearing taskmaster, you can guarantee that I am printing this story out and leaving it on her pillow –

Vedran Ribaric, 26, forced his wife Mirna to strip down to her knickers (see below), and run around her garden while he took pot shots at the terrified woman. He even persuaded the frightened, 23-year-old woman to pose in a provocative way while he took aim at her, with his weapon of choice.

Ribaric was jailed for three and a half years for torture at Zapresic, in Crotiia. A neighbor to Vedran was reported as saying, “Shooting a beautiful woman like her is crazy! Couldn’t he have practiced on a wild pig like everyone else?“. I anxiously await the story of which group gets to the neighbor first - PETA or any of the countless feminist groups that are going to jump on the implication that it’s not quite so crazy to shoot ugly women.

Airgun pellets do not usually penetrate the skin, but can do so at close range, it has been found. A shot to the eye, in particular, can be dangerous and sometimes fatal even. Consequently, British courts have taken a tough line against offences that involve the use of such weapons.

For the ignorant, these are knickers!

This photo placed here for educational purposes only! Mm. Sweet, sweet.. educational purposes.

 Blogger’s Comment: “All of my wit has been lost to the sight of that picture I posted. I’m afraid all of the blood going to my brain has been redirected to far more valuable functions.    Slowly.. losing.. typing… abilit..dskafjdfkd.”

OTTAWA – Researchers say they have located the world’s oldest stash of marijuana, in a tomb in a remote part of China. The cache of cannabis is about 2,700 years old and was clearly “cultivated for psychoactive purposes,” rather than as fiber for clothing or as food, says a research paper in the Journal of Experimental Botany. The 789 grams of dried cannabis was buried alongside a light-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian man, likely a shaman of the Gushi culture, near Turpan in northwestern China.

The extremely dry conditions and alkaline soil acted as preservatives, allowing a team of scientists to carefully analyze the stash, which still looked green though it had lost its distinctive odour.

“To our knowledge, these investigations provide the oldest documentation of cannabis as a pharmacologically active agent,” says the newly published paper, whose lead author was American neurologist Dr. Ethan B. Russo.

Remnants of cannabis have been found in ancient Egypt and other sites, and the substance has been referred to by authors such as the Greek historian Herodotus. But the tomb stash is the oldest so far that could be thoroughly tested for its properties. The 18 researchers, most of them based in China, subjected the cannabis to a battery of tests, including carbon dating and genetic analysis. Scientists also tried to germinate 100 of the seeds found in the cache, without success. The marijuana was found to have a relatively high content of THC, the main active ingredient in cannabis, but the sample was too old to determine a precise percentage.

Researchers also could not determine whether the cannabis was smoked or ingested, as there were no pipes or other clues in the tomb of the shaman, who was about 45 years old. The large cache was contained in a leather basket and in a wooden bowl, and was likely meant to be used by the shaman in the afterlife.

“This materially is unequivocally cannabis, and no material has previously had this degree of analysis possible,” Russo said in an interview from Missoula, Mont.

“It was common practice in burials to provide materials needed for the afterlife. No hemp or seeds were provided for fabric or food. Rather, cannabis as medicine or for visionary purposes was supplied.”

The tomb also contained bridles, archery equipment and a harp, confirming the man’s high social standing. Russo is a full-time consultant with GW Pharmaceuticals, which makes Sativex, a cannabis-based medicine approved in Canada for pain linked to multiple sclerosis and cancer. The company operates a cannabis-testing laboratory at a secret location in southern England to monitor crop quality for producing Sativex, and allowed Russo use of the facility for tests on 11 grams of the tomb cannabis.

Researchers needed about 10 months to cut red tape barring the transfer of the cannabis to England from China, Russo said. The inter-disciplinary study was published this week by the British-based botany journal, which uses independent reviewers to ensure the accuracy and objectivity of all submitted papers. The substance has been found in two of the 500 Gushi tombs excavated so far in northwestern China, indicating that cannabis was either restricted for use by a few individuals or was administered as a medicine to others through shamans, Russo said.

“It certainly does indicate that cannabis has been used by man for a variety of purposes for thousands of years.”

Russo, who had a neurology practice for 20 years, has previously published studies examining the history of cannabis.

“I hope we can avoid some of the political liabilities of the issue,” he said, referring to his latest paper.

The region of China where the tomb is located, Xinjiang, is considered an original source of many cannabis strains worldwide.

Blogger’s Comment: “Mmm. I foresee this discovery starting a riotous wave of peaceful protests in the name of cannabis. I admit, not as weird as my normal news, but.. the subject was close to home! Generally speaking, that is.”

There was a time, an age ago, when I would sit back and roll up a nice.. ah.. ’smoke’. My friends and I, we would pass it around, and let all of that delicious.. ‘nicotine’, flow through our brains and soothe the restrictions on our collective imaginations. Now, if you’ve never sat amongst a ring of friends, facing inward, passing the ‘cigarette’, and talking.. well.. you could never imagine the sort of debates, conversations, and generally addle-minded intrigue that might pop up.

In those days, I would sit back and think, “These are the world’s finest conversations. So random. Nothing could ever be more ridiculous than the things that get said here.” - In those days, we did not have Ralph magazine, it would seem. What follows next is so good, not even a group of stoned kids could make this up.

More than 130,000 inflatable breasts have been lost to the sea on their way to Australia. Men’s magazine, ‘Ralph’, was planning to include the fake boobs as a free gift with their January issue. $200,000.00 dollars in plastic breasts was a big loss to the publisher ACP’s parent company, PBL, which is already $4.3 billion in debt. A spokeswoman for Ralph said the container left the docks in Beijing almost two weeks ago, but turned up empty in Sydney this week. The magazine has put an alert out to shipping authorities to see if they’ve found the gaggle of fake tits , but if they don’t turn up in the next fourty-eight hours, it will be too late for the next issue!

Ralph editor Santi Pintado urged anyone who has any information to contact the magazine. In what is sure to be the most quotable sentence of the year, and one of the only things to make me near wet myself, Santi also had this to say -

“Unless Somali pirates have stolen the breasts, it is difficult to explain where they are. If anyone finds them washed up on a beach, please let us know”.

Blogger’s Comment: “I was pretty excited to read this. I haven’t seen $200,000.00 worth of fake breasts since last year’s Oscars. And I am only a man. The thought of that many fictitious tits.. well.. it almost takes my mind off of Miss Page’s severe illness. Just a LITTLE. God Bless her. And God Bless the person who finds those make-believe mammaries. I wish it could be me. I wish I could feel like a winner, just this once.”