Life is Tragic

After weeks of preparations for the largest sex event of its kind in Israel, organizers were forced to cancel it this week due to public pressure and threats exerted on the owner of the venue where the sex fest was to take place.

Forget about Viagra: scientists are working on an electronic ’sex chip’ that will be able to stimulate pleasure centres in the brain. The prospect of the chip is emerging from progress in deep brain stimulation, in which tiny shocks from implanted electrodes are given to the brain. It has already been used to treat symptoms of Parkinson’s disease. In recent months, scientists have been focusing on an area of the brain just behind the eyes known as the orbitofrontal cortex. This is associated with feelings of pleasure derived from eating and sex.

A research survey conducted by Morten Kringelbach, senior fellow at Oxford University’s department of psychiatry, and reported in the Nature Reviews Neuroscience journal, found the orbitofrontal cortex could be a “new stimulation target” to help people suffering from anhedonia, an inability to experience pleasure from such activities.  Stimulating this area can produce pleasure as intense as “devouring a delicious pastry”, he said. His colleague Tipu Aziz, a professor of neurosurgery at the John Radcliffe hospital in Oxford, predicted a significant breakthrough in the science behind a “sex chip” within 10 years.

“There is evidence that this chip will work,” Dr Aziz said.

“A few years ago, a scientist implanted such a device into the brain of a woman with a low sex drive and turned her into a very sexually active woman. She didn’t like the sudden change, so the wiring in her head was removed.” The wiring remains a hurdle: Dr Aziz says current technology, which requires surgery to connect a wire from a heart pacemaker into the brain, causes bleeding in some patients and is “intrusive and crude”. By 2015, he predicts, micro-computers in the brain with a range of applications could be self-powered and controlled by hand-held transmitters.

 Blogger’s Comment: “Sex Chips have been featured in more than a few science fiction stories over the years. I often wonder at the parallels between science fiction and modern invention. Remember when the rail gun was just a futuristic weapon on a page full of text? This is what happens now that all of the nerds of the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s are becoming adults, with the education and means to create. Mmm. I look forward to it.”

New research done at Harvard Medical School has shattered to belief that Coca-Cola works as an after sex spermicide. School researcher Deborah Anderson has gone on record as saying that there is no evidence to support the belief that the drink’s acidity kills sperm. Anderson also said that sperm is likely, anyhow, to outswim the sugary douche and get to the cervix first.

She also noted that the soft drink also damages the top layer of cells within the vagina, removing healthy bacteria and making a woman more prone to STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases). The drink is still used as a contraceptive in some poor countries, and was used in this same manner in the United States during the 1950s and 1960s.

Blogger’s Comment: “THIS JUST IN - At the same time that Harvard Medical School was debunking the theory of Cola Cola as a sperm killer,  it was also revealed that spermicide works just fine as a sperm killer. Tune in next week, when we here at Life is Tragic compile a list of ten recommendations on how to continue getting away with pouring Coca Cola between your girlfriend and/or wife’s thighs.”

There was a time, an age ago, when I would sit back and roll up a nice.. ah.. ’smoke’. My friends and I, we would pass it around, and let all of that delicious.. ‘nicotine’, flow through our brains and soothe the restrictions on our collective imaginations. Now, if you’ve never sat amongst a ring of friends, facing inward, passing the ‘cigarette’, and talking.. well.. you could never imagine the sort of debates, conversations, and generally addle-minded intrigue that might pop up.

In those days, I would sit back and think, “These are the world’s finest conversations. So random. Nothing could ever be more ridiculous than the things that get said here.” - In those days, we did not have Ralph magazine, it would seem. What follows next is so good, not even a group of stoned kids could make this up.

More than 130,000 inflatable breasts have been lost to the sea on their way to Australia. Men’s magazine, ‘Ralph’, was planning to include the fake boobs as a free gift with their January issue. $200,000.00 dollars in plastic breasts was a big loss to the publisher ACP’s parent company, PBL, which is already $4.3 billion in debt. A spokeswoman for Ralph said the container left the docks in Beijing almost two weeks ago, but turned up empty in Sydney this week. The magazine has put an alert out to shipping authorities to see if they’ve found the gaggle of fake tits , but if they don’t turn up in the next fourty-eight hours, it will be too late for the next issue!

Ralph editor Santi Pintado urged anyone who has any information to contact the magazine. In what is sure to be the most quotable sentence of the year, and one of the only things to make me near wet myself, Santi also had this to say -

“Unless Somali pirates have stolen the breasts, it is difficult to explain where they are. If anyone finds them washed up on a beach, please let us know”.

Blogger’s Comment: “I was pretty excited to read this. I haven’t seen $200,000.00 worth of fake breasts since last year’s Oscars. And I am only a man. The thought of that many fictitious tits.. well.. it almost takes my mind off of Miss Page’s severe illness. Just a LITTLE. God Bless her. And God Bless the person who finds those make-believe mammaries. I wish it could be me. I wish I could feel like a winner, just this once.”